Eczema Blues

Hi #SkinishMom:

I’m so upset, holiday is supposed to be fun and relaxing right? But it never turned out that way. If we actually go for a holiday, I’d end up packing everyone’s bags, planning the itinerary, cleaning up the home and the dirty clothes. That’s still not the worse part. The worse is when we actually stay at home and entertain guests – gosh, my spouse and I would always end up quarreling and tension run sky-high. What’s up with hols, is it just me?

So-not-liking-holiday-Mom

It is so nooorrrrmal (yawn). It happens all the time – my theory?

Theory of Failing Expectations

When we are up to our neck dealing with a regular workday, we don’t have time to quarrel. My guess is no one in the family has had the time to even look (like really look and appreciate the other person, as opposed to Yo, Where are my socks?) at each other, let alone talk. If you don’t have time to talk, you can’t quite quarrel.

But on a holiday, especially one where you stay at home – you’d have started a long weekend with the hope of getting your own stuff done (sorting photos, getting that manicure, baking a new recipe) but by the time you reach the middle of your break, you realized that it’s so not going to happen. Instead, you have to rush to the grocery store to get ready for the home party, clean up the house for the guests (and the thought of cleaning up after is already killing you), cook and then pretend to be the calm hostess while inside, you’re screaming everyone’s head off. Then the quarrel and tension come whenever it’s just you and your spouse – blaming about not doing fair share of work, mostly.

I came across other interesting theories too:

Narcissism of Small Differences (from the Atlantic)

This theory is from Sigmund Freud that small differences among people who are similar lead to them being hostile to each other. So family members who are similar tend to be hostile over a minor difference like which candidate to vote for!

Jealousy

Survey showed that jealousy is the common reason why most couples quarreled during vacation, because the men had wondering eyes for other women! Others were worried over everyday issues (finance) or wanted to be in control of what to do during the vacation.

Exhaustion

This is a given. Do not associate holidays with rest. Full-day, 24/7 care for your kids (school and alternative caregivers like your parents are having holidays, remember?) is bound to lead to exhaustion. No afternoon coffee breaks and gym workouts at lunch will upset you more than you think. Exhaustion is one of the key reasons why couples quarrel on holiday and when you think of it, it’s not just physical exhaustion. It’s mental as well – exerting mind control over your eczema child to pleeaaase moisturize and your hubby to just clean that up!

It’s the June/ summer holidays – be mindful of the above, lower your expectations on what can be accomplished during this ‘break’, do less and consider not meeting people who will set you off. No excuses for the men with lustful eyes for other ladies; if you happen to be with one during your vacation, dump him and your baggage be lighter!

Heading off for a coffee break and trying not to let all the bad long weekends and hols get to me,

#SkinishMom

To : The #SkinishMom

My husband kept saying that I’m nagging – nagging about my eczema child’s skincare (you know how we have to moisturize within 3 minutes after shower?), nagging about housework, nagging about doing things faster (we have loads of things to do, can’t possibly be doing slower right?). Am I really nagging? I thought I’m just talking – since when my words become ‘nags’?

Waiting-to-be-‘Naglightened’-Mom

I totally empathize. and mystified. Why do men keep saying that their wives are nagging, when we’re just talking? So I did a bit of digging to see if there’s any science I can find about nagging.

• Nagging is defined as persistent and repeated requests that increases in frequency as the request is not fulfilled.
• Nagging is a sign of love – we don’t nag at our boss, our co-workers, maybe not even our parents or kids, only at our spouse.
• The nagger is usually the one who feel responsible about the subject – so, that’s why women nag about chores but not about soccer.
• Nagging is a sign of not trusting that the requests will be met. It’s no surprise given that nagging turned the guy off and he intentionally didn’t want to do what you want him to do.

There is a lack of science in this area – I researched online and found a study that’s often misreported as men can be nagged to death. Actually, the conclusion was more like both men and women in demanding relationships were associated with increased death risk. This would not be surprising – chronic stress is reflected on our skin so it’s natural to assume it’d affect other parts of our body.

So bottom line, what’s a woman gonna do about her man, her supposed nagging and the negative spill-offs from being thought she’s nagging?

#SkinishMom anecdotes:

#1 First ask yourself – Do you really want him to do it or is it easier if you just do it? Put aside equality of sexes and fairness, and consider seriously. If you can answer no and yes, just do it yourself. And read on.

#2 Put aside negativity – you want to be appreciated for doing it all, not being hated for nagging you’ve done it all. Decide today to be a smart woman – smart in getting your man to love you, not hate you.

#3 Think of what your man wants – appreciation is my guess. Being made to feel like a man in the home, being admired by his spouse. Heck. I know you want the same from him. Men are dumb – give him what he wants first and the aha moment is more likely to hit him to do the same for you.

#4 Actually give your man what he wants – appreciation, in many forms (including but not limited to!) hugs, kisses, praise, touch, praise in front of your kid, sex, praise in front of his family, surprise gifts, praise in front of his friends/co-workers.

#5 If he hadn’t done something you want (not what you were nagging him about, something else- like a present, a cheesecake, a coffee machine, a iPadAir2), tell him POINT BLANK what you want.

#6 Be delighted by your man – he ‘surprises’ you with the thing you want, you’re ‘surprised’ and delighted. He’s delighted that you’re delighted not remembering it’s not a surprise (or not even crossing his mind that a non-surprise is an issue on the scale of ‘delightedness’).

#7 Witness positive change – 1. You didn’t nag (cos you did it all yourself), 2. You no longer see an annoyed look from him (cos there’s nothing he’s annoyed about), 3. He’s happy (cos you actually did something for him and appreciated him), 4. You’re happy cos finally, your husband is showing his love and appreciation.

Notice how easily the requests you were trying to get him to do fall out of the picture? Notice how kids don’t even come into the picture?

That’s the #SkinishMom way of handling nagging – if anyone has a better way, please do share! Since men are universally the same (o.w. why do books like Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus become best sellers if every man is different), do share with the rest of us women what had worked in your marriage!

Off to get a surprise gift for hubby,

#SkinishMom

To: The #SkinishMom

You know.. I know you know… I’m a mom of eczema kid, I’m a daughter, I’m an employee, I’m a wife and each of these come with many duties. Some days I feel like I’m doing EVERYTHING – I mean I’ve even bought my in-laws their mother’s day and father’s day gifts (no one bought me anything), I do ALL the housework and I’ve to make my boss and spouse happy. On these ‘some days’, I’m thinking maybe I don’t need a man after all. Quit my job, live frugally just me and my kid. No man, ever. What do you think?

Mom at Cross-roads

I think… get a coffee. What you need (I know I did in the some days you mentioned) is coffee – along with it, the aroma, the caffeine, the frothy milk, the 20-minute break with a book or music. Alone… it’d make your mood ‘swell’. Did I mention that a 10-year study showed that women who drank two to three cups of caffeinated coffee a day were 15% less likely to develop depression.

On a more serious note – I get you. Taking care of an eczema child is not easy – the skincare, the struggles with your child (who sometimes stubbornly refuses to moisturize), the conflicts with other family members who don’t get the need for skincare. Plus, yeah.. women these days are doing housework + real work. Some days things are easier when you don’t go to work or you only have to clean up and cook for your child (as opposed to child + man).

But… I can never encourage you to D-I-V-O-R-C-E; Matthew 19:6

So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

Plus the joy of a marriage takes time to build – the airy fairy, honeymoon period is so over but real love for a lifetime sets in, if both of you work at it. (At least I’m working on mine!). I do however think the solution may be in managing ‘me-time’, ‘man-time’, ‘work-time’ and ‘chore-time’:

1. Take care of your health – you don’t need permission from any man or any kid to take care of yourself. Exercise releases endorphins that trigger positive feelings (same as morphine!) and boost your bone + health.

2. Reduce time at work – if you’re not gunning to crack that glass ceiling, don’t stay back for the sake of staying back.

3. Take lunch break = ‘Me’ time. If you prefer to do it alone, do so. You’d be surprised – once your colleagues figure out that you have your own stuff to do at lunch, you won’t be missed anymore. Of course, if you are a people person and like hanging out with your colleagues, do so.

4. Take coffee break – a must

5. Increase time spent with your man at home – by reducing time on chores, even reducing time with your kid. When you’re old, sick or lonely, there’s only one guy who’s there for you – the one you took the time to know and to love.

Try the above and don’t forget the coffee,

#SkinishMom